4 more days to valentine. Clock is ticking and although I was kinda hoping for a change this year, but it seems like my wish on that one won't be fulfilled. This year will be the same as ever - or maybe even worse than before.

Well, the thing is I never felt as lonely as I am now. It feels like I'm all alone in this world. I don't know. My mom is sooo irritating with her non-stop grimacing & grumbling upon dad and I'm so through with all these cold war happening in the house. Dad is the same, he's quiet most of the time but he's getting on my nerves lately - and I just can't stand it. With both mom and dad acting like a child, who should play 'parents' part? Why can't I just get a normal family? Just a normal family. It's not really a healthy thought, but sometimes I just think that it would be better that they just divorce. End of story, right? Everybody happy.

And with my friends; I can't really figure it out but I felt like they act like I'm invisible most of the time and that irritates me - a lot - but I can't argue or protest. Hey, after all, it's not easy to find friends in my school. Everybody have their own gang already - and to just mingle in a group isn't as easy as ABC. Well, to some people. Like me especially. I'm not born as a chatterbox and it really freaks me out if I'm stuck with someone, not knowing what to say. Sucks!

one more thing, I felt like I was losing my best friend. Again, I don't know why, how or when. It's just happens and the perfect word for it is 'fading'. It feels like our togetherness was slowly fading since the beginning of 2009. What makes me said that? We haven't chatted for almost two months and even when I talked to her, it feels like something changing already from the way she talked to me. Is it just my feeling? I don't know. I was confused myself. I don't even know the right word to describe what I feel. She's my best friend, and the last thing I ever imagined was losing her. It's hard and definitely hurt to think about that.

I can't understand what God has planned for me. I want to scream I gave up, but how can I gave up from this life? Surely I'm not that stupid to commit suicide. After all, I appreciate my life just the way it is. But I don't understand why. That it is.